There’s a fantastic children’s book called ‘After the fall’ by Dan Santat. It’s about how Humpty Dumpty got back up again, dealt with his fears and anxiety and (spoiler alert) ends up hatching out of his egg into a beautiful bird. It’s a story about dealing with change, fear, anxiety, resilience and transformation. A story about journeys and how things can be better on the other side.
When I had the dreaded meeting, I thought about that book. I’d heard people talk about that meeting as if it was the worst day of their life. The HR person I had even mentioned it. Being taken into a room with HR and your manager and being told you were ‘no longer required’, that your skillset was no longer valued by the company. I wouldn’t go as far as saying it was the worst day of my life, I can definitely point to some worse ones. It definitely wasn’t a great day either and I want to share my thoughts and talk about it because no one had ever talked to me about it before I experienced it. It was one of those things that’s only whispered about in hallways. So here it is, in black and white for everyone to read in the hopes that it can help someone.
Companies these days are being forced to spend more time listening to their employees but they’re also stuck trying to figure out their COVID groove and remote working paradigms. As an employee, you’ve gone from being a person walking through hallways that people can see, hear and touch, to becoming a square in a zoom meeting or even just a name listed on the company all hands. There are no hallway smiles or conversations where you get to see people outside of your team. It’s hard for managers to connect and see past what is in your zoom background (which is usually curated to hide the mess and shambles that the rest of the room is in!). I even managed to get to 8 months pregnant without people I was working with knowing. You are much more alone, with a laptop and phone as a companion and it’s hard to not feel like a cog in the corporate machine.
I found myself on a Wednesday morning having the ‘dreaded’ meeting with HR. But it wasn’t the worst meeting ever for me. It felt like a transaction and I didn’t have the embarrassment of being escorted out for all my peers to see. All I had to do was shut my laptop and ignore my phone, which would soon be disconnected anyway. There would be one less window in the zoom meetings now and one less name on the company all hands. I was the collateral of a re org. A leadership change that predictably caused a restructure that left me out. I’ve been reflecting on how it feels and the best I can describe is a really sudden break up of a platonic long term relationship. It was like we had spent every day of the last decade together caring about each other, wondering what each other was thinking and how we were coping with the world. Sharing in the joys of successes and frustrations when things didn’t go as we expected. And then one day, I’m just supposed to stop and not care about them anymore. Their feelings changed and mine hadn’t caught up. I was more committed to the relationship than they were. I was supposed to just stop thinking about ways to help, stop wondering if they were doing well. I’m supposed to abruptly stop caring, cut off ties and move on. I guess the equivalent of the — it’s not you it’s me is — the ‘we re-evaluated the needs of the organization’.
But unlike a break up, I don’t have my friends coming over with flowers, chocolate and comforting drinks assuring me that I’m better off and I was ‘too good’ for them anyway, and I will ‘find someone else’. Instead of that, there’s fleeting teams messages, texts and now one less name to invite to the meeting. So what should you do? What do I wish people had done for me? Treat it like a break up! Acknowledge the pain, the grief and frustration. Acknowledge the change in routine and that there will be ‘memories’ of the company everywhere, some of which will be hard to confront. Of course they’ll have the urge to email, share things related to work and talk about meetings. Send them the flowers, send them chocolate and definitely send them a comforting drink!
It’s easy in this Covid remote working world to forget the human behind the zoom square, but they’re there. They’re just as human as you are, with worries, doubts, responsibilities, dreams and aspirations. They need time to grieve and adjust to their new norm. They’re suddenly trying to do that all on their own. Just like in a break up you go through spirals of doubt. Should I have done this better? Did I not do enough in the last presentation? Should I have posted on the company social feeds to promote myself more?
Next Steps
For those of you going through it, sorry you’re here. For me, going through it right now, here is what I recommend:
- Purge — get a big box and put everything that reminds you of them in it and dispose of it just like you would an ex. Luckily in most cases the company wants their assets back so someone may even come take the box from you! When you find everything you’ll relive it all — the good, the bad, the fun, the boring. Experience it all and ride the emotions. You’ll remember what you disliked about them and may even end up in a better place, or you’ll end up as a blubbering mess on the floor and that’s also ok.
- Figure out your new story — This is to answer when people ask if you’re single. I found I needed a new identity. I was no longer ‘x’ position at ‘y’ company. I hadn’t realised that having that title contributed to my identity and was a large part of who I was. All my friends would ask about my work and job just like they would a partner. So what would I say if someone asked? If you come from an ethnicity where there are already expectations then you may want to create a narrative. If anyone has ever asked you “dear, you’re getting older when are you going to settle down?” Then you know you’ll need a story for your parents to tell! This is easier than you think as society is more accepting now of career breaks, career changes and focusing more on yourself. Don’t feel guilty for saying those things and doing them. Chances are people are jealous that you found a way out and have an opportunity for a new start while they’re stuck.
- Get a makeover — Change your hair and buy a new wardrobe — but don’t. The equivalent here is thinking about what your wants and needs are from work right now. Hopefully you have a buffer and some breathing room to evaluate what is important to you. It may be a huge soul searching journey, it may just be listening to your urges right now and doing what they say to do, or it could be reviewing your resume and moving the bullet points you love the most to the top. You’ve been given a unique opportunity to start again somewhere else, so use it. Think about how you want to be perceived, how you want to come across and make those changes.
- Don’t rebound — You know that rebounds are always a bad idea! You do not need that ego boost! Take some time before finding your next relationship. If you rush into the next one too quickly you’ll most likely regret it.
- Take some time and then put yourself out there again - It's acceptable now to post on linked in what happened and that you're open to opportunities. To start spreading the word with friends about what you're looking for. Don't be scared!
For me — I have purged, answered the aunties asking me what I’m doing and I’m just starting my makeover. I’m spending some time figuring out what I enjoy and what is most important to me in my next relationship. I still get urges to check my mail and I still sit and think about my projects and wonder how they are. Some days I’m angry and some days I’m relieved. I expect it will take some time before that fades. In ‘After the fall’, Humpty seems to move through it so easily and quickly. I guess life as an egg in a fictional nursery rhyme is less complicated. Once he works through his challenges he transforms into this incredible bird. I’d like to think that I have a transformation in me, once I get through the grief. I’d like to think this was a necessary step in my journey and that soon I will see that things are better on the other side.