Have you ever been stuck in a situation where success required working with someone you didn’t trust, didn’t like, or outright disagreed with? It can feel impossible, even unnatural, like shaking hands with an adversary. Yet, collaboration with “the enemy” — whether it’s a difficult coworker, a challenging business partner, or even an opposing stakeholder — is often the only way to achieve meaningful progress. Adam Kahane’s book, Collaborating With The Enemy, provides a masterful guide to navigating these difficult dynamics.
Here are the key insights from the book to help you collaborate with grace, empathy, and purpose, even when faced with strong disagreements:
1. The Power of Dialogue
True collaboration begins with open and honest dialogue. Create an environment where diverse perspectives are welcomed, and people feel safe to express their views. When individuals feel heard and respected, they are more willing to engage honestly, even in difficult conversations.
Imagine a scenario in a tech company where a product manager and a lead engineer have completely different visions for a feature’s implementation. The product manager is focused on delivering quickly to meet market demand, while the engineer is concerned about technical debt. By setting up a series of structured meetings with a mediator, they can share their perspectives openly. Through honest dialogue, they might agree on a phased approach — delivering an MVP first while allocating time to address technical debt in future iterations.
2. The Importance of Shared Purpose
A common purpose can be the glue that holds people together despite their differences. Identify shared goals that everyone can rally behind. This shared purpose acts as a compass, keeping the collaboration focused and meaningful, even when tensions arise.
Consider a startup’s leadership team, where the CEO and CTO are at odds about whether to focus on scaling the product or refining the technology. By revisiting their mission — to create a seamless customer experience — they can align their efforts, prioritizing features that enhance user satisfaction while building scalable infrastructure. This shared purpose keeps them united despite their differing priorities.
3. The Role of Skilled Facilitation
A skilled facilitator can transform conflict into creativity. They manage conversations, mediate conflicts, and ensure everyone’s voice is heard. Think of them as the conductor of an orchestra, bringing harmony to a diverse group of players.
For instance, in a corporate merger, teams from two companies often have conflicting cultures and processes. A facilitator can help by organizing workshops where employees collaboratively design new workflows and cultural norms. This approach not only resolves friction but also creates a sense of ownership and shared direction among team members.
4. The Value of Diversity
Diversity of thought drives innovation. Bringing together people with different backgrounds, experiences, and perspectives often leads to more creative solutions. Embrace these differences rather than fearing them; they’re a strength, not a weakness.
Think of a hackathon at a multinational tech corporation where participants from engineering, marketing, and customer support come together. Each team member brings unique insights — engineers focus on technical feasibility, marketers on user appeal, and support teams on customer pain points. This blend of perspectives often results in groundbreaking solutions that wouldn’t emerge in siloed teams.
5. The Foundation of Trust
Without trust, collaboration crumbles. Build trust through honesty, reliability, and mutual respect. Trust creates the foundation for open communication and the willingness to compromise.
Picture a SaaS startup where the co-founders disagree about pricing strategy. One wants to pursue aggressive discounts to gain market share, while the other prefers premium pricing to signal value. By committing to transparency — sharing data from test campaigns and customer feedback — they build trust in each other’s decision-making abilities. This trust enables them to create a hybrid strategy that incorporates elements of both approaches.
6. The Power of Empathy
Empathy is a bridge-builder. When you make an effort to understand someone else’s feelings and motivations, you create a deeper connection. Empathy helps diffuse tension and fosters a collaborative spirit.
Imagine a scenario in a corporation where a senior developer feels overburdened and undervalued. The engineering manager, instead of dismissing their concerns, takes time to understand their workload and personal challenges. By reassigning some tasks and recognizing their contributions publicly, the manager not only rebuilds trust but also boosts team morale.
7. The Importance of Respect
Respect transcends differences. Treat everyone with dignity, regardless of disagreements. Respect fosters an atmosphere where collaboration can flourish.
For example, in a startup environment, a young entrepreneur might feel intimidated working with a seasoned investor. By treating the investor’s advice with respect while confidently presenting their own vision, the entrepreneur fosters a relationship of mutual respect. This dynamic often leads to more constructive feedback and a stronger partnership.
8. The Curiosity Factor
Curiosity can unlock new perspectives. Ask open-ended questions and seek to understand rather than judge. Curiosity helps you discover common ground and new ideas that can drive collaboration forward.
Take the case of a partnership between a tech startup and a legacy manufacturing company. By being curious about each other’s operations, the startup might learn about supply chain efficiencies, while the manufacturer gains insights into automation and software integration. This exchange of knowledge creates mutual value.
9. The Necessity of Flexibility
Collaboration is rarely a straight path. Be open to change and willing to adapt as circumstances evolve. Flexibility allows teams to overcome unexpected challenges and stay on course.
During a product launch, unexpected issues like a last-minute bug or supply chain delays might arise. A flexible team at a tech company might decide to delay the launch slightly but use the time to refine marketing materials and prepare a stronger go-to-market strategy. This adaptability ensures long-term success despite short-term setbacks.
10. The Power of Patience
Building collaboration takes time. Trust isn’t built overnight, and progress can be slow. Patience is key to navigating setbacks and maintaining focus on the end goal.
Consider an enterprise software company integrating AI capabilities into their existing platform. Engineers, data scientists, and sales teams must work together — and this requires patience as they learn to communicate effectively and align on goals. Over months of iterative development, their collaboration yields a groundbreaking feature that drives significant revenue growth.
11. The Need for Celebration
Celebrate successes, no matter how small. Recognizing milestones boosts morale and keeps the team motivated to push forward.
In a startup scaling its operations, achieving the first 1,000 active users can feel like a drop in the bucket compared to long-term goals. However, acknowledging this milestone during an all-hands meeting energizes the team and reminds them of the progress they’ve made together.
12. The Habit of Reflection
Take time to reflect on what’s working and what’s not. Regularly evaluate the collaborative process to identify areas for improvement and growth.
For instance, after a sprint, a product team at a software company might hold a retrospective to discuss what went well and what could be improved. This practice ensures continuous learning and better collaboration in future projects.
13. The Role of Ethical Leadership
Leaders set the tone for collaboration. Ethical leadership built on integrity and respect inspires trust and sets an example for others to follow.
A CEO who openly acknowledges mistakes — such as underestimating the resources needed for a product launch — demonstrates integrity. This ethical leadership fosters an environment where team members feel safe to admit their own missteps and work collaboratively to find solutions.
14. The Power of Inclusivity
Inclusivity ensures everyone feels valued and heard. A sense of belonging motivates people to contribute their best ideas and efforts.
For example, in a product design team, involving engineers, designers, and customer success representatives ensures that the final product is both technically robust and user-friendly. When everyone feels their input matters, they are more committed to the project’s success.
15. The Importance of Perseverance
Challenges and setbacks are inevitable. What matters is the determination to keep going, even when the road gets tough. Perseverance turns obstacles into opportunities.
Consider a startup navigating regulatory hurdles while launching in a new market. Despite repeated rejections, the founders’ perseverance leads them to refine their approach, eventually securing the approvals needed to succeed. This determination turns a daunting challenge into a milestone achievement.
Final Thoughts
Collaboration with the “enemy” isn’t about compromising your values or forcing harmony. It’s about engaging with differences constructively and finding ways to move forward together. By fostering dialogue, trust, empathy, and respect, you can transform even the most challenging partnerships into opportunities for growth and success.
Ready to dive deeper into these principles? Explore Adam Kahane’s Collaborating With The Enemy and discover how you can turn adversaries into allies and conflict into collaboration.
