Originally written on my personal blog, here.
If you’ve been burned by company leadership (or anyone else, but let’s stick to your work life for now), it’s tempting to adopt a defensive stance when working with new people. This is a mistake. Trust is too valuable to wait to give it. There are risks, but they are easily worth it.
Why trust is hard: little betrayals
Trust is hard because you’ve been burned before.
- You were judged for asking a question.
- You were thrown under the bus when a deadline was missed.
- Your PM told you to build the wrong thing.
- You admitted a challenge (maybe a disability, a personal crisis, or an insecurity) that was held against you in a performance review.
Let me be clear: none of this was OK. Whichever coworker is responsible was in the wrong. But is it fair to your new coworkers to punish them for the sins of your prior ones? Is it fair to yourself?
There’s a voice in your head that tells you Everyone Will Betray You (Taylor seems like the kind of person who would be totally fine with her work being referenced in every one of my blog posts, right? Definitely.) So you need to protect yourself. That voice is Bob, and as always, his advice is bad.
Why trust matters
If you don’t trust a coworker, they can tell. You are worse at disguising your feelings than you think you are. This discourages them from trusting you, in turn. Without that mutual trust, you can’t form strong relationships.
And strong relationships are… everything, frankly. Humans are a social species. If someone trusts you, they’ll respond positively to your suggestions and requests, they’ll give you feedback, they’ll think of you when new opportunities arise, they’ll ask you what you want instead of guessing, and they’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Over time, these relationships will form your network, and you need a network for your career to thrive.
One truism that is actually false is “Trust should be earned, not given.” It’s impractical to expect someone to prove themselves to you if you don’t risk anything. People can only handle so much suspicion or cynicism before they give up on trying to reach you! You need to give a little, and risk a little, so they can do the same.
The hidden cost of hypervigilance
Let’s take a look at each of the examples I raised earlier, and talk about what you’re missing by closing yourself off.
- If you suppress a question because you don’t want to look stupid, that’s a great way to look much stupider in the future. You learn by asking questions, and you’re denying your teammates a precious opportunity to teach what they know by staying silent.
- If you blindly build whatever you’re assigned to cover your ass, you’ll get promoted more slowly, since experienced engineers are generally expected to have an opinion about the product. And of course, if your company is building the wrong stuff because employees are too scared to push back, business will suffer, which will cascade to you in subtle (or sometimes very loud!) ways.
- If something in your personal life is making work more difficult, your team will eventually notice. If you let them know before someone calls it out, it will not sound like an excuse. This vulnerability-sharing is also a great way to form unexpected bonds with coworkers who may have been through something similar in the past! Even saying something curt like “I have some stuff going on” will evoke less sympathy and understanding than actually telling your story. (Of course, there’s a degree of detail that’s probably not fit for polite company.)
In all these cases and others, in a good company, the people around you will prioritize solving the problem over finding a scapegoat, and reward you for delivering value even if it wasn’t what they requested. Messaging and diplomacy do matter, here! Don’t just assume that, by telling your truth, you are absolved of all responsibility to the other party. But also don’t assume that there’s no polite way to tell your truth. There’s always a way to be both respectful and forthright.
And if you’re under a bad manager (or in a bad company), and they fire you for a mistake or for trying to solve the underlying problem, they’ve done you a favor.
Some exceptions here: if you’re in dire financial straits, or you desperately need to maintain employment for some other reason (say H1B1), being fired may not actually be a blessing. In that case, I have to endorse a certain degree of calculated protectiveness.
I can’t just choose to trust someone!
That’s true, you can’t. But you can choose to act with authenticity, speaking out loud that thing you feel. Ask the question. Push back on the plan that makes no sense. Give the feedback. Tell your manager (and/or HR) what you need to do your best work.
If it helps you to push through your fear, hedge by signaling uncertainty and curiosity:
- “Maybe I’m missing something obvious, but…”
- “I wonder whether we should instead…”
- “Would it make any sense to…”
- “I’m not sure I’m following. Do you mean…”
- “I’ll understand if this isn’t feasible, but it would help if…”
- “I don’t know if this is a pattern, but here’s one data point: …”
- “In my past work, this went poorly because …. Can you help me understand why this situation is different?”
And you needn’t trust your teammates or leadership blindly! Trust, but verify. They make mistakes and have blind spots, just like you do. They’re doing what makes sense to them, and they probably care about your well-being. You’ll be pleasantly surprised by how often people will do the right thing when you give them a chance.