When I was early on in my career, I had little to no concept of empathy. I had people skills (I thought), but it wasn't the same as having a high EQ. I got my work done, and I met the requirements for my job description, but I wasn't getting promoted. My boss at the time couldn't tell me why. It wasn't until a coworker pointed out that my soft skills needed work. I was too blunt with my honesty and it came off as rude. While I had a reputation for getting things done, I had also gained a reputation as someone who was hard to work with. I actually made someone cry at one point (not my proudest moment). But still, I had no idea. I was a strong communicator and very clear and concise about getting my point across. She was able to point to situations that some people may have considered hurtful interactions. Situations that I thought were just getting stuff done and being efficient. I realized that what I thought was my no-nonsense attitude, was actually a plain old bad attitude that didn't care about how others felt. I had a chip on my shoulder and I didn’t even realize it. You can be strong-willed and decisive and learn to read the room to adjust your communication style to get your point across more effectively. Having emotional intelligence is not about turning yourself down for others to make your personality more palatable. It’s about being a patient listener.
Emotional Intelligence/EQ
What I've figured out over the years is that my emotional intelligence wasn't as high as I thought it was. I was stubborn, bossy, and critical when I thought I was being assertive, persuasive, and detailed. Being able to carry on a civil conversation with someone doesn't mean you have empathy. That’s meeting the bare minimum of communicating with others. Being blunt gets your point across. It rarely helps you develop relationships with other people. (Hey, some folks do appreciate a no-nonsense blunt way of communication. You do you.)
If you are finding this approach isn't working for you, try throwing in some empathy. When you approach people and problems from a place of empathy, your outlook changes. You are able to avoid conflict before it starts. You are looking at things from multiple different angles. You are opening yourself up to feedback and being vulnerable. And you get that back in return. Sure, it sounds squishy and soft, like we're all going to hug or do trust falls. Empathy can look like that, but it doesn't have to. I like to think of it as empowering others through empathy. Empathy is treating each other like human beings who have feelings. Many of us have been taught to hide our feelings at work. I'm done with that. It turns out we’re all humans and we have feelings, like it or not. I'm using my feelings and intuition to help make work better. Putting yourself in their shoes, really trying to understand what they are going through, and then working together to figure out what's in front of you. When you empower others to help themselves, coming from a place of empathy, that's what emotional intelligence in the workplace looks like to me. No group hugs required.
Learning Empathy
If empathy or EQ doesn't come naturally to you, these skills can be learned! The easiest way to learn them is by finding a mentor or role model that you relate to. You can read books, take quizzes, listen to podcasts - whatever way you learn best. My favorite people to follow and listen to are Glennon Doyle and her podcast We Can Do Hard Things. Pick any episode and you will get a crash course in how to be an empathetic listener. Glennon, Sister, and Abby are three of the most emotionally intelligent people I've listened to and I always learn something from their episodes on how to be a better listener. If a little sass is more your jam, follow or read Luvvie Ajayi Jones. Following Luvvie on the platform of your choice will teach you a different type of empathy. Her book, I'm Judging You challenges us all to do and be better to one another. Yes, that is empathy. Not so much a "tough love" approach, but a more constructively critical lens of how to treat others and ourselves. These are my two go two sources because I learn best by seeing examples. Do you have favorite resources? Drop them in the comments below!
My Brand of Empathy
Speaking from my own experience, leading with empathy didn't really click for me until I worked with a wonderful teammate who taught me the phrase "How can I help?" after I'd express frustration. Such a small, simple question made me feel like I mattered. We were able to work through so many really tough situations by using this phrase with one another.
Learning to work that one little phrase into conversations with people helped me open up and it allowed them to open up to me. It created a psychological safety where we could talk openly and honestly about whatever was on our minds. I quickly learned to also ask "Do you need to vent or do you need a solution?". This is another question that frames up the direction of the conversation you're about to have. The way I then turn this around and empower people (using empathy) is by repeating or rephrasing what they've said to me, then giving them some suggestions on possible paths. I'm making suggestions or tweaks, but ultimately the ideas come from the individual I'm talking with. If you can start incorporating some of these phrases into your work (or home) life, you'll find yourself starting to nail those soft skills, giving you an extra edge in your job, and exceeding expectations.
If any of this speaks to you or sounds like something you want to try out, reach out and connect. Let's see if this is something we can work on together.
